Lord of the Rings Skits and Such
by chicks4aragornunite
Summary: A collection of short Lord of the Rings stories....Mostly Veggie Tales parodies
1. It's a Small Middle Earth After All

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters**

It's a Small Middle Earth After All…

**Frodo is faced by Sauron himself at Mount Doom…**

**Sauron **Choose the Dark Side, Frodo. It is your destiny.

**Frodo **I'll never give in. You killed my father!

**Sauron **No Frodo. I am your father!

**Frodo **(looks terrified) so that means…

**Sauron** yes, that means…

**Frodo **NOOOO! GOLLUM CAN'T BE MY HALF-SISTER! NOOOOO-

**Sauron **Evil laugh! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Frodo **-OOOOOOOOOOOO-

**Sauron **HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Frodo** -OOOOOOOOOOO-

**Sam** MR. FRODO! YOU'RE TURNING BLUE!

**Frodo** (stops screaming) It can't be truuuuuuuue!

**Sauron** Did you think you could overlook the family resemblance? Evil laugh!

**Frodo** (bawls like a baby)

**Sam **Well, Mr. Frodo, it could be worse. You could be related to Lurtz…

**Frodo** (sigh) You're right, Sam.

**Sauron** Did I mention that Lurtz is your cousin?

**Frodo** (cries)

**Sam** Well, you could be related to Wormtongue…

**Frodo** (sigh) phew!**  
Sauron** Wormtongue's your aunt, Frodo.

**Sam** Cave troll?

**Sauron** Niece

**Sam** Balrog?

**Sauron** Great uncle.

**Sam** Witch King of Angmar?

**Sauron** Seventh cousin twice removed.

**Sam** Shelob?

**Sauron** Stepmother and Frodo's future wife.

**Sam** EEEEW! I thought hobbits were bad about incest! (to Frodo) Sorry, Mr. Frodo, I didn't mean to stab your fiancée!

**Frodo** (cries and gags)

**Sam** (turns back to Sauron) Okay, what about Saruman, Smarty Pants?

**Sauron** Grandmother, mother, sister, and Frodo's second wife!

**Sam** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

**Frodo ** (cries harder)

**Sauron** Evil laugh!

**Gollum** (comes in) Hi daddy! (sees Frodo) Whatsss wrong with our brothersesssss?

**Sam** Oh, don't tell me you're his father and brother! Gross!

**Sauron ** (glares) No, I'm just his father

**Sam** Phew!

**Gollum** (sees ring) Precioussssssssss! (bites off Frodo's finger)

**Frodo** Ow.

**Sam** Eeeew, blood! (barfs)

**Gollum** (dances around, happy-like)

**Sauron** Ah, sibling rivalry. (to Gollum) Honey, give Daddy his ring back!

**Gollum** No! Never! AAAAHHHH! (falls off side of cliff the ring lands near the edge, but Sauron doesn't see that, and thinks it went over)

**Sauron ** NOOO! MY SOURCE OF POWER! Hey, wait a minute….I'm still alive! (does happy eyeball dance) Woohoo! I am invincible!

**Random orc** (comes in and sees ring) Ooo, shiny! (picks it up, then trips over Frodo laying in the fetal position and goes over the edge, ring still in his hand)

**Sauron** I will never die! (blows up) Dangit!

**Sam** Frodo, the ring is destroyed! Frodo?

**Frodo** Can't….marry…Saruman….

**Epilogue: After the above incident, Frodo went completely mental and was carted off to the Grey Havens thinking his pony was his mother-in-law. Okay, so that isn't the happy ending we'd all expect, but the ring was destroyed, Middle Earth was saved, what more do you want? However, if you're a Frodo fangirl, you can visit him at the Grey Havens, the world-famous psych-ward. Just don't wear anything with rings or eyeballs on it, and explain to him first off that you are not related to him in any way, shape, or form. No guarantees that he'll listen though!**


	2. Diary of a Fan Girl

Diary of a Fan Girl

Day 1  
Return of the King has FINALLY FINALLY come to theaters! Woohoo! I was so happy; I printed out another 723 LOTR pictures and ordered another 25 posters of each character! The problem is, there seems to be no room on my walls or ceiling for any of them. My Lord of the Rings-Nazi parents have totally rejected my idea of letting me use my little brother's room for my extra stuff. I mean, it's right next to mine, and there's even a door connecting them! He could sleep in the garage with the dogs, and I could just rip off the door so I can see all my precious pictures…Legolas' dreamy blue eyes...Aragorn's tall, strong, yet unwashed frame, and pouty look that is to DIE for…drool! I'd better go get a bucket…my mom says drool isn't good for the floor…  
The floor! That's it!

Later  
Have placed my posters on the floor. There is even enough room for a small path in and out as long as you put one foot right in front of another…Go me!

Day 16  
Have not written for days…I was too busy traveling across the country to see Return of the King in as many theaters as possible. So far I have seen it 327 times consecutively. (I know that is mathematically impossible considering the number of days ROTK has been in theaters, but math was never my best subject and when you're a true fan girl, you have ways of messing up the number of hours in the day so you can squeeze as much LOTR loving as you can into your otherwise puny life on this rotten earth with no elves and…okay, I'm getting off track…back to the present…) Oh, my cookies! Legolas, I love you! Marry me, Legolas! Too bad Aragorn is taken. Must go. Feel a pout coming on.

Day 35  
Have gone onto my favorite LOTR site and posted how many times I've seen Return of the King. Got an e-mail from the founder of the site, and he said it may be a world record. Go me! On the down side, I have no money and my parents will not lend me any. They said that I couldn't go to Return of the King any more times. I protested that I have only seen it 7,459 times, and that's nothing compared to the number of times I saw The Two Towers in the theaters. (9,999 times) Parents v. unreasonable. Feel another put coming on. Think I will kiss all of my pictures to make me feel better.

Day 36  
Snuck away in the night and begged on the street. Raised enough money to see ROTK another 1,000 times. It's amazing what people will pay to get you to shut up, go away, and stop stalking them. Who knew? Still haven't raised enough money to break my Two Towers record, but this is v. satisfying all the same.

Day 37  
Got enough money. YAY!

Day 38  
Saw Return of the King another 2,576 times. The last 70 times I saw it weren't very nice because everyone in the theater kept telling me to shut up and stop reciting lines along with the characters. Told them to stick Gandalf's staff where the sun don't shine. Almost got in serious hot water when the manager came and told me to leave. Luckily, I had gorilla-glued myself to my seat. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I broke my Two Towers record, go me! On downside, parents caught me exiting the last theater and used a tranquilizer gun. They have dragged me to therapy.

Day 40  
Parents discovered therapy is not working. (I knew that, but I wouldn't tell my completely brainwashed non-LOTR loving parents if you paid me.) Sent me to Loony Bin. No Legolas, no Aragorn, no life here! Told them I will shrivel and die without my…my…PRECIOUS MIDDLE EARTH MALES! They didn't believe me. I'll show them. (evil grin)

30 seconds later  
Shriveled.

1 second later  
Shriveled more and died. I told them so. I wonder if they show LOTR in heaven…Hmm. Good question. If they don't, I think I will just haunt my evil parents and drool over pics all day and NO ONE WILL STOP ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	3. The Hairbrush Song

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings**

**A/N-Some of you might recognize this chapter and the previous chapter from I figured I'd post them again on this site.**

The Hairbrush Song  
Based on the Hairbrush song from Veggie Tales  
NARRATOR: Now it's time for Silly Songs with Legolas. The part of the show where Legolas comes out and sings a silly song. Our story begins as Legolas, having just finished his morning bath in Galadriel's mirror, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Legolas cries out……  
LEGOLAS: Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh wheeeeeeeeeeeeere…. is my hairbrush?  
NARRATOR: Having heard his cry, Gandalf the Grey enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Legolas in a towel, Gandalf regains his composure and reports……  
GANDALF: I think I saw a hairbrush back theeeeeeeeeeere!  
LEGOLAS: Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?  
GANDALF: Oh yeah! I knew I was forgetting something! (Exits)  
LEGOLAS: Back there is my hairbrush! Back there is my hairbrush! Back there back there oh where back there oh where oh where back there back there back theeeeeeeeeeeere…. is my hairbrush!  
NARRATOR: Having heard his joyous proclamation, Peregrin Took enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Legolas in a towel, Pippin regains his composure and comments……  
PIPPIN: Why do you need a hairbrush? You already have perfect hair!  
NARRATOR: Legolas is taken aback! The thought had never occurred to him! (Okay, so maybe it had, but this is my fanfic and I'll do what I want!) Perfect hair? What would this mean? What would become of him? What would become of his hairbrush? Legolas wonders……  
LEGOLAS: Perfect hair for my hairbrush! Perfect hair for my hairbrush! Nice hair nice hair not fair nice hair not fair not fair nice hair nice hair nice haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair…. for my hairbrush!  
NARRATOR: Having heard his wonderings, Gimli son of Gloin enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Legolas in a towel, Gimli regains his composure and confesses……  
GIMLI: Legolas, that old hairbrush of yours……Well, you always use it…..But you don't really need it so……Well, I'm sorry! I didn't know! But I gave it to Aragorn, 'cuz he's got really messy hair! I also gave him your entire collection of hair products!  
NARRATOR: Feeling a deep sense of loss, Legolas stumbles back and laments……  
LEGOLAS: Not fair, oh my hairbrush! Not fair, my poor hairbrush! Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair…. my little hairbrush!  
NARRATOR: Having heard his lament, Aragorn enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Legolas and Aragorn are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of…each other! But recognizing Legolas's generosity, Aragorn is thankful.  
ARAGORN: Thanks for the hairbrush!  
NARRATOR: Yes, good has been done here. Aragorn exits the scene. Legolas smiles, but still feeling an emotional attachment to the hairbrush, (Not to mention his haircare products) cries out……  
LEGOLAS: Take care of my hairbrush! Take care of my hairbrush! Take care take care take care take care take care take care take care take care take caaaaaaaaaaaaare… of my hairbrush!  
NARRATOR: The End!  
(Legolas is chased off stage by a horde of screaming fangirls who are trying to steal his towel)


	4. If Galadriel was like Legolas

**Disclaimer: I do not own LotR.**

**A/N: thanks to SpartanTrilogy15 and Nelarun for your reviews! Now the REST of you people need to review! (just kidding, but reviews are appreciated by any author)**

**What would happen if Galadriel was like Legolas?**

SCENE-Lorien. The Fellowship is leaving

GALADRIEL: What would a dwarf want from me?

GIMLI: I want one hair from your golden head.

GALADRIEL: (GASP) Never! (starts crying)

GIMLI: I only want one!

GALADRIEL: NO! (slap) Not my beautiful precious hair!

GIMLI: It's not a big request!

GALADRIEL: How can you say that? I spend 5 hours a day taking care of my hair to make it shiny and silky and perfect, and now you're asking me to either cut or pull one of my beautiful hairs out? If you want a hair, talk to Aragorn. He'll let you have one, you can wash it, and then one of his hairs will actually be CLEAN!

ARAGORN: HEY!

GIMLI: I want one of your hairs! It's just a hair!

GALADRIEL: I'll show you just a hair, you stupid smelly dwarf! HYAH! (starts karate chopping, elvish fashion of course)

GIMLI: (armed with a razor) You know, I was only going to take one hair. Now I'll take them all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Shaves Galadriel's head)

GALADRIEL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (faints, goes into a coma, dies bald)

GIMLI: (holds up Galadriel's hair, which is no longer attached to her head) IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Runs away)

FELLOWSHIP: (stares after Gimli in shock)

FRODO: He killed the Lady! Let's get him! (Unsheathes Sting and runs after the maniac dwarf)

BOROMIR: (Blows the Horn of Gondor and unsheathes sword) Right behind you, Frodo! (runs after Frodo and the maniac dwarf)

LEGOLAS: Wait for me! (Runs lightly in that "I'm such a hot elf" fashion after Boromir, Frodo, and the maniac dwarf)

SAM: (what else would you expect him to say?) I'm coming, Mr. Frodo! (Grabs handy-dandy frying pan and runs after Legolas, Boromir, his boyfriend…oops, I mean, Mr. Frodo, and the maniac dwarf)

ARAGORN: She said I was dirty! (pouts and looks waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too cute for his own good)

CRAZED FAN-GIRL: (Appears in flash of green light) Gotcha! (Captures Aragorn) He's mine! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Disappears with Aragorn, who is never seen again)

MERRY AND PIPPIN: (stare in shock)

MERRY: Should we follow them?

PIPPIN: (nods)

MERRY: Okay. (starts to chase after Sam, Legolas, Boromir, Frodo, and the maniac dwarf)

PIPPIN: Merry?

MERRY: What, Pip?

PIPPIN: I'm hungry.

MERRY: Shut up, Pip.

PIPPIN: Merry?

MERRY: (gives Pippin the "My God, why am I stuck with such an idiot?" look) What?

PIPPIN: I thought elves were immortal!

MERRY: Not when you mess with their hair, I guess…


End file.
